3.46 – Silver Moonlight, Part II

Gawain wasn’t sure… why he’d come here.

As his audience trickled out the door, Agravaine narrowed his eyes suspiciously. His gaze was glued to Gawain’s back as the young redhead slowly got up from his seat and left the church hall. Seeing him attending a sermon at all had come as a surprise. Agravaine had not seen Gawain for months. From what he could tell, the boy been doing everything he could to avoid him. So to see Gawain inside his church was already unusual – but it was his body language that really drew Agravaine’s attention. The boy’s shoulders were slumped over. His gaze was aimed firmly at the ground, avoiding eye contact with everybody else in the church as he made his way out.

He’d been the same during the sermon. He hadn’t looked up even once.

In the grand scheme of things, Gawain of Camelot was unimportant. The boy was a pawn at best. Normally, Agravaine would not give a second thought to a sight like this – but while Gawain himself didn’t matter, the same could not be said for his surroundings. Agravaine knew how important the boy was to more important players on the game board. And the Jacoban Priest had not climbed up this far by ignoring the world around him. He knew how important it was to know the right information at the right time. And this time, Gawain’s behaviour was so out of character that it drew the Royal Adviser’s attention.

Something was going on. Something that he needed to get to the bottom of.
Discreetly.

“Go after Gawain again, and I will personally end you.”

Agravaine knew that Morgana’s words had not been an idle threat. He knew that his niece was spiteful enough to deliver on her promise, if she was angered enough. She had done it before. Agravaine himself had raised her to be that way, after all.

But… this could turn into an opportunity.

As she’d matured, his niece had slowly grown beyond his influence and control, a fact that infuriated Agravaine to no end. But the Royal Adviser knew exactly what Morgana’s weakness was. And her presence in Camelot was supposed to have been temporary. Agravaine had been willing to overlook her threats, knowing that soon, she’d be on the other side of Albion and well out of his way. Agravaine had been counting on it. He knew that without his sister, Arthur would be like clay in his hands. But – like always – Uther’s whims had thrown a gigantic wrench in his plans. He had to adapt. And now that Morgana was still here…

He could not let a chance like this slip away. Perhaps it was finally time to make use of that weakness.

As Agravaine pondered, scratching his chin and carefully weighing his options one by one, he was suddenly taken out of his plotting. The Jacoban Priest could feel a hand tapping on his back.
“Lord… lord Agravaine?”

Surprised, the Jacoban Priest turned around. He’d been so focused in his mind that he’d neglected his surroundings. Agravaine could see a young woman standing behind him, not even five feet away. It was one of the commoners that had attended his sermon. Judging from the look on her face, she’d been calling out to him for a while without response. He hadn’t noticed her at all.
Agravaine quickly cleared his throat, pushing his plans to the back of his mind as he stepped back into his Priest persona.
“Yes? Can I help you?”

The woman didn’t answer him. Timidly, she looked down at the ground, visibly hesitating. Even on a good day, the Jacoban Priest had no patience for that.
“Well?” he snapped, annoyed. “Out with it, woman. What ails you?”

A Peteran Priest might have chosen a more gentle approach. But Agravaine had not been gentle for a very long time. His harsh words caused the woman to flinch and shrink into herself. He watched as she folded her hands in front of her chest, her expression clouding over with worry. For a second, Agravaine was convinced that she was not going to speak up at all. But he was quickly proven wrong. The woman sighed and, quietly, began to confess.

For the second time that day, the information that followed came as a surprise.
“Last night, I…”

“I saw something…”

The would-be knight didn’t really know where he was going.

On instinct, Gawain’s legs carried him away from the church. He ended up heading towards the market. A subconscious part of him steered him towards Guinevere. Gawain knew that he couldn’t face anyone in the castle. Not now, not while he was like this. His mind hadn’t calmed down at all. The shock of what he’d seen last night had simply been too great. And Gawain had never been able to put on a mask like his friends at the castle could. They’d see through him instantly. The same would happen if he told his mother.

But he needed to talk to someone. Anyone. And Guinevere had always had a warm, gentle air about her that made Gawain feel welcome. She wouldn’t pry, wouldn’t try to drag the truth from him, maybe she’d just listen as he tried to make sense of his own feelings—

But what were his own feelings, anyway? And how was he supposed to tell anyone without telling them?

Gawain didn’t know what to say. He didn’t even know where to begin. Gawain had no idea how to share his struggle, with anyone, without exposing exactly what it was that he’d seen. He simply didn’t have the social skills.
He didn’t know.

The young redhead ended up stuck on a bench, thirty feet from Guinevere’s front door, unable to leave. Unable to go forward. He quietly stared at the ground, unable to do anything as a million thoughts plagued his mind at once.

He didn’t know what to do.

The young redhead had no idea how long he ended up sitting on that bench. Gawain didn’t notice how the sky gradually grew dark above him. He didn’t see the people passing him by in a hurry, fleeing the gentle drizzle that began to fall down. Gawain was completely blind to his surroundings.

Until finally, a familiar pair of boots came into view.

“Gawain? Are you all right?”

Lancelot’s voice. He wouldn’t be able to get away with not answering. The young redhead clenched his jaw, unable to look his friend in the eye as he growled:
“I’m… fine.”

Gawain grit his teeth, trying and failing to make sense of the swirling chaos inside his chest. He knew that Lancelot wouldn’t believe him. Even Gawain would not believe himself at this point. And Arthur’s second-in-command had always been scarily good at reading people. Lancelot often knew what Gawain was feeling before Gawain realised it himself.

And this time was no exception. The young nobleman didn’t believe him for a second. Gawain watched as Lancelot let out a sigh and sat down next to him on the bench.  
“Talk to me, Gawain. What happened?”

Gawain had never been able to lie. He just didn’t have it in him. But even if he had been able to, Lancelot’s voice still made it impossible. There was no judgment in his tone. No commanding edge. Instead, Lancelot’s voice was drenched with worry, quietly and gently asking for the truth in the way that only his friend could. Gawain could feel himself wanting to respond. He wanted to trust him. Lancelot had always been understanding and reliable. He’d always been fair.

…He’d tried to help them, too.

Gawain couldn’t stop himself. He had to tell someone. Anyone. If he didn’t, he’d lose his mind, and everything from last night would turn into a dream. A delusion.
He wouldn’t be able to bear that.
“Last night, I… I found out something,” Gawain muttered. “About someone… important.”

“I see,” Lancelot replied softly, glancing at him from the corner of his eye. “What you found out… was it something bad?”
“I… Everyone thinks so.”
“And do you share their opinion?” he asked. The young redhead shook his head in response, shrugging helplessly.
“I… No,” Gawain admitted. “I don’t know what to think anymore. I never thought… I’ve known her for years, I…”

Gawain couldn’t finish his sentence. His mind was plagued by one memory after another, of countless conversations that he’d had with Morgana over the years. They’d talked about magic. About sorcerers. They’d even visited the druids together. All of it suddenly felt different.

In all these years, she’d never told him.

They’d known each other for almost a decade. Gawain trusted Morgana with his life. He’d do anything for her – he’d even sworn fealty to her… and she never told him.

She’d never trusted him the way he trusted her.

Gawain grit his teeth, biting down on the inside of his cheek until he could taste blood. He didn’t know what to do. The young redhead didn’t know how what words to use to describe the stormy, roiling mess of emotions that burned inside of his chest. And Lancelot could tell. His friend looked upwards, gazing at the clouded sky above.
“Has it changed the way you feel about her?”

“Yes. No. I don’t know.”

To his right, Gawain could hear his friend let out a sigh. When Lancelot spoke, it was in a soft, quiet voice.
“…You love her, don’t you?”

Slowly, a puzzle piece that he hadn’t been aware of clicked into place. The young redhead could feel the knot in his chest tighten. He… hadn’t noticed that. Or maybe he had. But Gawain just hadn’t given it any thought, content to keep everything as it was. He just wanted things to stay the way they were.

Things would never go back to the way they were again.

The swirl of emotions inside of him finally reached a breaking point. Gawain could feel his throat close up; his eyes turned misty. The would-be knight stared at a fixed point on the ground, trying and failing to keep himself together as he could feel the tears dripping down his cheeks.
“…I don’t know what to do,” he muttered. Lancelot put a single hand on his shoulder in response.
“What do you want to do?”

The young redhead shook his head. Gawain leaned forward, burying his head in his hands as he stared at the ground underneath him. When he spoke, his voice was barely more than a whisper.
“I just want to help.”

Gawain could feel a tap on his shoulder. When he looked up, he made eye contact with Lancelot. The young noble simply looked at Gawain with a gentle, patient expression that, even now, he had not expected.
“Then help.”

Lancelot hadn’t asked anything. He hadn’t pressed Gawain for any details, or asked for names. Or even wondered what in Watcher’s name Gawain was talking about. He hadn’t done any of that. His friend simply listened, quietly, supporting Gawain and answering in the way that only Lancelot could.

And Gawain finally realised.
Lancelot knew.
He’d known all along.

“Gawain… Do you remember what the knight captain used to say? About standing tall when it matters?”

“…Yeah,” Gawain muttered, leaning back against the wall as the memory came to him. “Of course I do.”

He’d never forget. It was the advice that Gawain had ended up basing most of his life around. The notion that, one day, when it mattered most, there would be no one else. No one else to step in and protect what was important. That a true knight had to prepare for that moment, and make sure their strength would be enough when it came. Gawain had worked tirelessly towards that goal ever since he was a child.

But…

It was as if Lancelot could feel his sudden doubt. The young nobleman let out a sigh, his eyes suddenly growing distant, as if he was looking at something very far away.
“Camelot is complicated, Gawain,” he said quietly. “More complicated than you’ll ever know. And it will probably get even more complicated in the future. But in the end, it’s all background noise,” he continued, turning to face his friend. “None of it matters. Not for you. Bertrand’s words are the best advice that he could have given us. If you want to… it’ll be fine if that is the only thing that matters.”
“What… what do you mean?” Gawain asked, confused. Lancelot gave him a sideways glance in response.
“It’s simple,” he explained. “It’s the same thing that Bayard said to you in the arena. When it comes down to it…”

“The only thing that matters is where your loyalties lie, and who you are willing to die for.”

“I can’t tell you what to do, Gawain,” Lancelot concluded, looking back up at the sky. “I don’t have that right. But things won’t always be like this. Sooner or later, Camelot is going to change. And when it does…”

“There will be something that only you can do. I’m sure of it.”

It was the last thing that Lancelot said to him that afternoon. The young noble silently ended the conversation on his own. Gawain watched as his friend got up from the bench, dusting off his clothes as he walked off towards the castle. It did not take long for him to vanish around a corner. The young redhead was left on his own, silently grappling with his thoughts.

Something… only he could do.

Gawain had no idea what that was. He didn’t know what the future would bring. But Lancelot’s words had never failed him. His friend’s advice had never fallen short. He’d never been wrong. In the years that the two had known each other, Lancelot’s help hadn’t failed Gawain even once… so this time, too, Gawain believed him at his word.

There would be something  he could do.
Something that only he could do.

When it really mattered.

Gawain hoped that, when the time came… he’d be enough.


Thank you Snowbnuuy for the Priest poses! 😄

8 thoughts on “3.46 – Silver Moonlight, Part II

  1. OHHH MY GODSJ OGHMDFOFDGFOGFDKGFL
    IS THAT MORGANA? SO NOW HE KNOWS! GAWAIN KNOWS! SOMEONE KNOWS!! Gawain is precious. Ohh, there’s the forest spirit thing from ages ago! Eurydice? Is she putting these images in his head? I love all of the screenshots especially the one of the wolves. I like Gawain seemingly thinking about all the times that Morgana seemed annoyed or unhappy and now he’s seeing her like this ;-;

    Oh fuck, and straight to Aggro back on his Jacoban bullshit. Love the cathedral though and I’m glad you like the poses < 3 Okay so my reading of the last bit with the Jacoban church is maybe Aggro going on some rant about the evils of magic, and Gawain is sat there like 'no, I know magic is not bad, and I know if he keeps pushing this shit my friend is going to be killed.' And as well probably thinking to Eurydice. OHHH SHIT I Forgot about that bit with Morgana and Aggro…And now Aggro is the one trying to play 4d chess with the people of the castle of Camelot. Oh goodness, I wonder what that woman saw…

    Ah yeah, everyone else has The Mask, but Gawain doesn't, bless him. It's a lot to take in. Knowing someone you care about is a sorcerer, and knowing exactly what 90% of Camelot would do to her if they found out. I was thinking Gawain ought to tell either Gwen or maybe Lance, seems the safest bet out of anyone. Thank goodness it's Lance who came over, who already knows. But now I'm thinking…how's Gawain going to feel if Lance says he knows and yet Morgana never told Gawain?

    I knew this is how he would feel about it, slightly betrayed. The whole 'why didn't she tell me?' thing. It's an understandable immediate response sometimes, but with stuff like this you can't risk even telling the people close to you. It's not surprising at all how many people seem like friends until they know the truth about you. It's not worth the risk sometimes, telling someone a big secret about yourself that could risk you becoming a target. We both know that it's not worth the risk and that it's less to do with 'friendship' and more to do with 'I don't want to be ridiculed, beaten or worse.' Whilst most people react this way because they seem to think everything is about them, it's not that with Gawain clearly. Just that he would do anything for her, so it's kinda like…you get me. Feels like a 'but I'd do anything for you, so why not me?'

    I have known Gawain liked Morgana it since that once scene ages ago where they looked at each other through the window, think it was during that swordfight? That's a scary thought though, but also necessary for any knight. Sometime in your life you will have to face your problems alone and no-one other than you can prepare yourself for that.
    Honestly Lance is right. There are defo some things only someone like Gawain can solve and people like him are a rarity in Camelot. Bless him < 3

    Liked by 1 person

    1. IT IS! GAWAIN KNOWS! That’s Euridice, yeah. Gawain is remembering all the times that magic hurt people or caused problems, and then remembering the Dryad as magic that he associates with something good. Seeing something shocking about someone you care for, but then also seeing them happier than they’ve ever been, is… well.

      Straight back to Aggro, everyone’s favourite person! We get treated to another layer of his personality onion here and isn’t it just the sweetest? Yes, the poses were perfect for this! 😄 What that woman saw will be revealed real soon…

      It’s a tough situation to be in. I can understand the people not telling their secrets, especially if revealing them comes with a real risk of getting hurt. But for the people that are closest to them, realising that they’ve kept a part of themselves secret can really feel like a betrayal, or a complete lack of mutual trust.

      It was! Right after, when he captured the intruder at the start of arc 2. Heh, it’s so long ago I didn’t think people would still remember that 🤭

      Liked by 1 person

  2. “The only thing that matters is where your loyalties lie, and who you are willing to die for”
    This sentence hit me so hard today. I don’t think I want to elaborate more here.

    I have missed Gawain. His childlike honest expression. He is not able to hide on the outside how he feels inside, which immediately arouses Agravaine’s watchful suspicions.
    No people could be more opposite than the two. Agravaine oozes malice and abuse of power.

    I’m so glad Lancelot finds Gawain before Agravaine. He was initially saved by a young girl who might have something to reveal.
    Lancelot and Gawain are on the same team.

    Morgana is happy and freed from the shadow. She should never forget that there are eyes hidden in the night.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think I can take a guess why it hit you so hard. No need to elaborate.❤

      You’re not alone in having missed Gawain! I missed writing about him, too 😄 he’s the balance to everyone else’s emotional misery… though there’s not that many smiles from him in this chapter. Gawain was definitely saved by Lancelot getting to him before Agravaine could, though Aggro doesn’t seem to be done with him yet…

      True. She’s high and happy in the clouds, but forgetting how dangerous the ground is. If she were older, she might not be so careless. But Morgana is still just a teenager and high on confidence 😅

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I am trying not to freak out! I need to go to bed! What am I doing?

    GAWAIN KNOWS

    And if he does, someone else might too.

    Gahhhhhhhhhhh okay okay, I hate Agravaine. I do not trust him. I’m so worried…

    I can’t go to bed yet. I just cant!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m concerned about what the lady saw and told Agravaine. It’s fine if Gawain knows, but Morgana is pretty careless… Gawain is lucky that Lancelot encountered him. I understand that Gawain’s sad that Morgana never told him, but not telling him makes sense and I hope he’s able to realize that. Lancelot has some special abilities and he’s clever in a way that Gawain’s not (this sounds mean but I don’t intend it to be), so it’s not like Morgana poured out her heart to him or even her brother. Hopefully Morgana will soon realize that all of these people know about her – Gawain, Sarah …

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Nah, it’s truthful, not mean. Gawain and Lancelot each have their own strengths and weaknesses, and Lancelot’s cleverness is one of those. When you’re the person kept in the dark, it’s hard to see why someone you care for would keep such a big secret from you. But the dangers in revealing anything are very real and at least Lancelot sees that immediately. Fingers crossed that Gawain realises that, too.

      Liked by 1 person

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